When sex addiction secrets are disclosed, the real work starts. Forgiveness, from the partner, must be earned by the sex addict through genuine acts of repentance and restitution. The hurt partner must work hard to let go of her resentments and need for retribution. If either party does not do the work, there can be no real forgiveness.
Forgiving is not forgetting or pretending that it did not happen or that the behavior wasn’t such a big deal. Forgiving is also not excusing, condoning or tolerating. Your partner can forgive you without condoning what you did. Your partner may set firmer boundaries and seek support from others as a way to protect herself. Most likely, your partner will not be willing to tolerate similar actions in the future. Your partner may also forgive you yet realize she cannot have you in her life. Taking responsibility for your behavior and the impact it has and will continue to have on your partner will help your partner see your accountability – a behavior that helps clarify your intention to change.
As the addict, it will be useful for you to list all the people you have hurt with your addiction. Be sure to include yourself in the list, as your actions have certainly harmed you too. Realize the ways you used denial to help you stay detached from the feelings you experience from hurting those people on the list. When you are ready to make a formal amends, acknowledge how you used denial and the hurtful impact your behavior has had on your partner and others. This will help your partner see that you have a sense of what she experienced during that time. This will help her move towards forgiveness in time.
Disclosing Secrets (Corley PhD & Schneider PhD, M.D.)
